Before
I get into this section of the Incredible Years Program, let me just say
something about praise. I’ve read
endless parenting books – some are in support of praise, others not so
much. The main argument against it
suggests that it creates praise junkies meaning that the more
praise children receive, the more they rely on adult evaluations instead of
forming their own judgments. Other
theories suggest that praise manipulates children, casts judgment on them and
decreases their pleasure.
That being said, I am a huge supporter of
praise. This is where my husband and I found
we were most falling behind and also where we saw the most improved
behaviour. It is also important to note
that some parents state that they don’t praise
their children but rather, they encourage
them. I say whatever. We’re all talking about the same thing here,
so use whatever verb you want. I’m
calling it praise, even if it’s not the most popular word in parenting circles
right now.
Here
are some suggestions for praising your kid:
· Catch
your child being good – don’t save praise for perfect behaviour. This was a HUGE light bulb moment for my
husband and me. We realized we were
waiting for full days of no hitting, kicking, scratching and swearing before we
would offer any praise. Instead, we started
praising every 15 minutes of good behaviour.
It was A LOT of praise and definitely seemed like overkill but our son
loved it and really responded well to knowing that we were paying attention all
the time.
· Choose
one behaviour you would like to see your child engage in more frequently, and
systematically praise it every time it occurs for a week. For example: playing quietly, going to bed
when requested, picking up toys and sharing with others. The idea here is rather than point out (and
in doing so, reward with attention) every time they don’t do something, praise
them every time they do. Once
you’re seeing the behaviours you want to see more often, you can ease up on
that specific praise and move onto praising other behaviours you would like to
see.
· Give
labeled and specific praise. Rather than generic “good boy” or “good girl”
sentiments, which are vague and generic, make sure to tell your child exactly
what it is you’re praising. When we
started focusing on praise, my husband and I were constantly saying "wow,
you're playing so nicely together", "I like the way you're using your
words" and "you really know your manners".
The
program also suggests a tangible rewards system with charts, stars and stickers
for desired behaviours. After a week,
the stars and stickers can be traded in for toys, screen time or other sought
after items. We chose not to go this route. Our praise naturally comes with social
rewards such as hugs, smiles, eye contact and enthusiasm so we decided to leave
it at that. I’m against giving our kids
an allowance based on the household chores they complete each week. I think that rather than pay kids to help out
around the house, they should be contributing simply as members of the family. We felt the same way about good behaviour – it’s
just expected in our family and not something that we’re paid to do.
Try
this out in a way that works for your family.
Just remember to be specific and to praise often! Good luck and be sure to let me know how it
goes.
Well, it’s a
good thing I checked Facebook before leaving for work this morning. Today was Dress Like Your Favourite Book
Character day and I sent my kids to school in plain old clothes! Imagine the horror! Our nanny had left the house with the kids
only a few minutes before, so I raced upstairs to grab a couple of costumes then
hopped in my car to dress them up before they got to school. Whew! 
