Not This Time, Winter. Please, Not This Time.

It’s been a long, dreadful winter and I’m starting to feel it.  It’s trying to pull me into its darkness.  I don’t want to get out of bed.  I just want to close out the world, to curl up under a mountain of blankets and to get as many carbs into my mouth as I possibly can.  I was starting to think I could take these winter blues on by simply ignoring them but when I heard the newscaster say we should expect a colder spring than usual, I surrendered.  I got into my bed and I stayed there for 13 hours.

This blog has been good for me.  It’s been a good way to get my experiences out into the world.  It’s helped me to think through certain things and, from the feedback I’ve heard from readers, it's also been able to help a few people along the way.  This morning, I realized that it also provides me with an excellent look back on the last year.  A way for me to remember exactly how I felt and what I was going through when last year’s winter got to be too much.  I read about the days when I had to force myself to get out of bed and when I had to remind myself to stand in the goodness of now.

A lot has changed since then.  I was home with the kids last year and I’m back at work full-time now.  I was also on horrible anti-anxiety medication that was making my depression worse.  I quickly weaned myself from that and have promised myself to never put anything so harmful in my body again.  This winter, I’m staying medication-free and trying to balance parenting (along with everything that comes with it) and full-time work.  I can feel this long winter starting to take its toll again though and that feeling of helplessness that I was experiencing last year is becoming all too familiar once again.

I want to stay stronger than my depression this year.  Not let it take over my life.  Not let it take the best of me away from my family.  This time, I owe it to myself to do two simple things:

1. Get serious about my vitamin D intake.  I take a supplement now but only when I think about it (which is once or twice a week) and, since it’s a supplement I just picked up at my local drug store, I’m not sure how much good it’s actually doing for me.  I’m about to start taking a supplement my naturopath recommended and I’ve promised myself to take it every day.
2. Take care of myself first.  You know when the flight attendant going over the emergency procedures on an airplane tells you to put your oxygen mask on before you help anyone else with theirs?  It’s because without your oxygen mask, you’re dead.  No good to anyone else that might need your help.  I need to remember this every day whether I’m at work or at home.  I have to put my oxygen mask on first.

I think just making these small changes will have a huge impact on my day-to-day emotions.  I’m also diving right into the summer planning.  I’m not waiting for the warm weather to hit before I plan the June birthday party, the July wine tour or the camping trip in August.  I’m going to stay on top of it and not let it get the best of me this time.  I have to.  

Good day, Sunshine!

Life is just better when it’s warm and sunny, isn’t it?  We spent hours outside today – checking out snails, digging for worms, playing hopscotch and making ourselves dizzy on the swings.  We cooked outside, we ate outside and we loved every minute of it.

 

After a long and crappy winter, I’m so ready to say hello to warm sunshiny days.

In which she realizes a nap means more than a nap.

The kids are tucked in, the house is cleaned up and for the first time in about a month, I actually feel on top of things.  I’ve even made tomorrow’s snack already.  I feel in control of my life, my moods, my head.  Today, anyway.

This afternoon, the kids wanted to watch a movie and, as I often do, I saw it as my opportunity to snuggle in beside them and have a nap.  It wasn’t long before my husband woke from his night-shift slumber.  When he came downstairs to say good morning my four year old announced, “Mom’s resting again.  She always has to rest because she always feels sick.” 

Wow.  That stung.

I was offended at first.  My husband always snuggles in for a nap at movie time and the kids have never called him out on it.  Why were they doing it to me?

Then I thought about it from their perspective.  Sure, today I was feeling great and the nap really was just an innocent charge of the old batteries, but I haven’t been myself lately.  I’m quick to yell, I don’t play as much, and I take every day that my husband is home as an opportunity to sleep rather than a chance to spend time together as a family.

I’m glad that I found my motivation today.  I just wish there was a way to sprinkle myself with it every morning because I would sure love to feel like this more often. 

What do you do when your mental health gets the better of you?

screw the weather, spring is here

While it may not feel like the first day of spring in Hamilton with a high of 0 degrees (that, by the way, feels like a freezing cold -5), I’m determined to warm things up in the Red House.

Earlier today, I was starting to go nuts listening to the kids constantly argue with each other over nothing.  Hubby was just getting up and at ‘em so I did my usual – I tagged him in and retreated to bed.  I laid there for fifteen minutes and then reminded myself of a conversation I had with my counsellor yesterday. 

He asked me to list all the things I disliked in my life right now.  I quickly came up with this:

·         Feeling overwhelmed a lot of the time
·         Becoming less and less engaged with my children
·         Not being in control of my emotions

Then he asked me to list my core values, the things that I stand for and believe in.  Just as quickly as the first list, I came up with this:

·         My family
·         My community
·         Being a good person
·         Raising my kids to be good people

He then reminded me that I had to be careful how I think because as we think, we feel.  He also reminded me that I need to stand in the goodness of now.  I loved that.

So with that, I got out of bed, joined my family downstairs and we all made Rice Krispies Squares.  We mixed, we giggled, we ate far too many marshmallows.

I’m constantly wishing my now was better when really, I should be standing in the goodness of it.  It really is pretty good, after all.