Not This Time, Winter. Please, Not This Time.

It’s been a long, dreadful winter and I’m starting to feel it.  It’s trying to pull me into its darkness.  I don’t want to get out of bed.  I just want to close out the world, to curl up under a mountain of blankets and to get as many carbs into my mouth as I possibly can.  I was starting to think I could take these winter blues on by simply ignoring them but when I heard the newscaster say we should expect a colder spring than usual, I surrendered.  I got into my bed and I stayed there for 13 hours.

This blog has been good for me.  It’s been a good way to get my experiences out into the world.  It’s helped me to think through certain things and, from the feedback I’ve heard from readers, it's also been able to help a few people along the way.  This morning, I realized that it also provides me with an excellent look back on the last year.  A way for me to remember exactly how I felt and what I was going through when last year’s winter got to be too much.  I read about the days when I had to force myself to get out of bed and when I had to remind myself to stand in the goodness of now.

A lot has changed since then.  I was home with the kids last year and I’m back at work full-time now.  I was also on horrible anti-anxiety medication that was making my depression worse.  I quickly weaned myself from that and have promised myself to never put anything so harmful in my body again.  This winter, I’m staying medication-free and trying to balance parenting (along with everything that comes with it) and full-time work.  I can feel this long winter starting to take its toll again though and that feeling of helplessness that I was experiencing last year is becoming all too familiar once again.

I want to stay stronger than my depression this year.  Not let it take over my life.  Not let it take the best of me away from my family.  This time, I owe it to myself to do two simple things:

1. Get serious about my vitamin D intake.  I take a supplement now but only when I think about it (which is once or twice a week) and, since it’s a supplement I just picked up at my local drug store, I’m not sure how much good it’s actually doing for me.  I’m about to start taking a supplement my naturopath recommended and I’ve promised myself to take it every day.
2. Take care of myself first.  You know when the flight attendant going over the emergency procedures on an airplane tells you to put your oxygen mask on before you help anyone else with theirs?  It’s because without your oxygen mask, you’re dead.  No good to anyone else that might need your help.  I need to remember this every day whether I’m at work or at home.  I have to put my oxygen mask on first.

I think just making these small changes will have a huge impact on my day-to-day emotions.  I’m also diving right into the summer planning.  I’m not waiting for the warm weather to hit before I plan the June birthday party, the July wine tour or the camping trip in August.  I’m going to stay on top of it and not let it get the best of me this time.  I have to.  

Right Back Where We Started

If you’re a regular reader of Tales from the Red House, you know just how far we’ve come this year.  My son Rudie is a great kid.  A super kid!  With some hard work by all four members of our family this year, his behaviour at home has changed from hitting, swearing, spitting, and screaming back into the actions of the sweet, funny, smart and snuggly little guy that we knew was in there all along. 

 

Did you see the catch there?  His behaviour AT HOME has changed.  There were still issues whenever Rudie was with our daycare provider, and we were worried about what would happen once he was back in school, but we thought we were managing the day-to-day.  We were using all the things we had learned in the Incredible Years program, all the parenting tools we had put into place around the house, and all the meetings with doctors, social workers, and therapists all who had the same diagnosis of “there is no diagnosis”, and the advice that he would one day grow out of it.  But then one day last week we got a call that we did not see coming and our lives were turned upside down once again.  Our amazing and perfect-for-us daycare provider was having a really hard time with Rudie’s behaviour and would no longer be able to watch him.*  And there we were, just like that, without daycare for the third time in a year.

 

We were so sad and so worried and to be honest, it took everything we had to not be angry with Rudie. 

In just a few days, we’ve been able to sort out daycare.  It’s taken a lot of help from family to fill in the immediate gaps and an understanding workplace that is allowing me to work part-time hours to care for my kids before and after school.  That’s a huge load off our backs.  Then Rudie had his second day of Senior Kindergarten today.  While he was there, he spit on his friend’s snack, hit his teacher three times and all of a sudden, we’re here again.

We are now in the process of reopening our file with Children’s Mental Health and we have an appointment with our family doctor next week.  We’re taking all the same steps we’ve taken over the last twelve months but this time, we’re not taking no-answer for an answer.  Aggressive behaviour is one thing, but getting kicked out of three daycares is another thing entirely.  We need answers this time and we need them for our little boy.  We don’t talk specifics in front of him, but he knows exactly what’s happening.  He’s too bright not to. 

I’ll be sharing the tips, tricks and tools that have been working in our house over the next little while and will also post regular updates about our progress on this, our second lap.  In the meantime, I’m sending Rudie to school tomorrow with these in his backpack.  Laminated reminders of the family that love him every day.

 

*Our amazing and perfect-for-us daycare provider is still amazing and perfect-for-us but Rudie is a tough kid to provide care for, especially when you’re defending your own kids against his violent behaviour.



Control, Control, Control

What I’m about to say will definitely not come as a surprise to those close to me: I have control issues. 

I need to know what everyone is doing at all times and things need to be a certain way or I feel out of sorts.  I am always the driver, (unless I’ve had a drink or two), and, if I do find myself in the passenger seat, I’m always quick to point out if someone is going “the wrong way”, even when it’s simply a different way to get to the same destination.  It’s not something I’m proud of.

These control issues have really been slapping me in the face lately.  Sometimes, it’s funny.  Like, when I sat down for a pee at work and found myself OBSESSING over the way the toilet paper was placed on the roll.

It was like this:

 

When clearly, it should have been like this:

 

That’s right, I changed it.  I WASN’T IN MY OWN OFFICE!!  I was likely never going to use that toilet again, but I couldn’t bear to know that the toilet paper would remain on the roll THE WRONG WAY.

Other times, my realization that I need to be in control saddens me.  My husband doesn’t usually go out after work or on the weekends unless we have plans together.  Sometimes he does though, and if he were to call to say he was staying out later, the conversation would likely go something like this:

Me:        Hello?
Him:       Hey Champ, we've decided to go for wings after the movie so I’ll be home a bit later.
Me:        Okay….so, I’m putting the kids to bed by myself then?!
Him:       Is that alright?
Me:        (Big passive-aggressive sigh) Whatever, it’s fine. (Although clearly, it's not),
Him:       Are the kids not being good?  Do you want me to come home?
Me:        Forget it.  Don’t worry about it.  I’m fine.  (Again, I’m clearly not fine.)

My husband thankfully has a backbone and will stay out to enjoy some time out with his friends despite our conversation, as he should.  I respect him for that.  He likely feels guilty the whole time he’s out, though and I despise myself for that.

Especially when the tables are turned. 

I met an old high school friend for coffee last week and returned home eight hours later.  I called about four hours in to let my husband know that I would be later than expected.  The conversation went something like this:

Him:       Hello?
Me:        Hey!  We totally lost track of time and are starving so we’re about to go for dinner. 
Him:       Okay, take your time.  Are you having fun?
Me:        Yeah, we’re having a great time!  Are the kids okay?
Him:       They’re awesome, like always.  See you when you get home.  I love you.

Just like the toilet paper incident, this conversation was a wake-up call.  My husband supports my time out of the house and I make him feel bad about his.  I need to stop this behavior.

Like most things in life, I think a huge step is being aware of the behavior to begin with.  I’m sure marital interactions like this are not uncommon but are probably denied a lot of the time.  I’m happy that I can see it; I now just have to change it.  I owe it to my husband now and to my kids as they get older. 

I make no promises about the toilet paper, though.  Hanging it under is simply incorrect. 

One week down.

This is now where I spend my days, surrounded by photos of and drawings made by my family.

 

Well, I did it.  I made it through my first week back at work.  Here are some things I’ve learned:

·         Humans really are creatures of habit.  I mean, I’ve been gone for 9 months and started right back into the same routines I was in before I left.  I drink my coffee and catch up on emails first thing, sip tea and work through my to-do list for the rest of the day. 

·         Kids are totally adaptable if you have put the proper resources in place.  Picking the most amazing childcare provider for our family has made a huge difference in our son’s behavior this time around.  Sure, it’s only been a few days but it’s already so different from this time last year when he was sent to what we now know was the wrong daycare for us.   

·         I really like being outside.  I spend my windowless office hours thinking about my garden and when I’m going to find the time to harvest those beets already.  I miss the sun and the fresh air and the feeling of my bare feet in the grass.

·         It turns out, I like my coffee hot!  I forgot what it was like to finish a hot cuppa joe before it got cold.  There are definitely some perks to working outside the home.

All in all, my week was good.  I have found it easier to settle in than I thought I would and my family seems to have already adjusted to the change.  Maybe it won’t be such an awful summer after all.

Hi-Ho, Hi-Ho, it's off to work I go.

So, here’s the scoop: it’s time for me to go back to work.  My doctor and I decided a couple of months ago that I would be ready at the beginning of July and here we are already, just under three weeks left to go.  I’m excited, anxious, happy and sad.  I spend my days thinking of what I will miss and what I won’t miss.  Here’s a snapshot of what’s been going through my mind lately:

Things I won’t miss while I’m at work:

·         The crazy-time my daughter has every afternoon.  She has a total freak-out because the jelly is on top of the peanut butter (imagine that!), she has to wait until October for her birthday (really nothing I can do there) and/or because she doesn’t want to ride her bike (but she really wants to ride her bike!!).  She’s three, she can’t help it but I certainly won’t miss it.

·         Meal planning.  When I first stopped working, it just made sense that the housework, meal –planning, and general household management would be my responsibility while my husband worked 40+ hours a week.  He definitely ended up doing more housework than he probably bargained for but the meal planning was all me.  And I hate it.  Hate it, hate it, hate it.  I’ll be glad to start sharing that responsibility again.

·         Strict budgeting.  My husband and I have definitely had to learn about making a budget (and sticking to it!) while I’ve been off work.  We plan to carry these newly acquired skills to our two-income living but adding a few frills here and there without sweating about it will definitely be a nice change.

Thing I’ll miss while I’m at work:

·         Lazy mornings.  It’s been great just having to get the kids ready and then getting myself into some clothes (any clothes), brushing my teeth and heading out the door.  No need to wash my face or brush my hair because I’m just walking to the school and back.  This will not be acceptable at the office.  It’s time to add a shower, blow-dry, hair straightening, make-up and office clothes back into our morning routine.  Ugh.

·         The one-on-one time I spend with my daughter every morning for the 2.5 hours my son is in school.  We shop together, run errands together or I just push her on the swings until my arms hurt.  I love that we have been able to share this time together.

·         Spending the day outside.  Do I really need to say more about this?  What’s worse, my office doesn’t have a window.  Boo.

·         Walking my kids to school and being a part of the school community.  I’ll be dropping them off with and picking them up from their daycare provider next year instead of the school.  I won’t have those daily interactions with their teachers or with the other parents.  Instead, I’ll be the mom depending on open house and parent-teacher nights to really get a good grasp of my kids’ education and school life.  This makes me sad.

This list could really go on forever and honestly, it goes without saying that I’m going to miss the time I spend with my kids the most.  Staying home with them every day for the last nine months has been tough but I’m already getting choked up knowing that in two weeks they’ll have to start sharing me with a full-time job again.  Hopefully, like everything else, this will be a lot harder for me than it is for them. 

My daughter just asked if we could make cookies.  Although it will likely result in a freak-out of epic proportions, I’m going to drop everything to do that with her now because in three weeks, I’ll be sitting in a windowless office, staring at photos of them and wishing we were baking cookies.  Maybe I’ll even be missing my daughter’s crazy-time and should include a photo of it on my desk as well.  Okay, maybe not.  That’s pushing the sentimentality just a little bit.

the day i took the tv away

CONFESSION: My children watch too much television.

It’s not like they’re a couple of little robots sitting in front of it all day or anything, but they'll usually watch a show or two first thing in the morning, a movie in the afternoon and another movie or another couple of shows before bed. 

We’ve been using the TV as a means to keep the kids quiet while we get things done around the house, a way for them to cool down in the afternoon in lieu of taking a nap and, if I’m being completely honest here, it’s also been a case of lazy parenting.  It’s just easy to put on a movie and let it keep them entertained for a little while.

A couple of movies and a show didn’t seem too terrible at first thought.  When I stopped to think about it a little more though, it dawned on me that it was 3.5-4 hours of television every day.  Over 24 hours of TV a week!  It has to stop so I’ve just introduced my family to the NO TV CHALLENGE.  That’s right, I’ve taken it away for one week.  Not too much time, but enough to hopefully make a huge impact on our family.

My husband refused to help me physically remove it from the wall (he said that was taking the challenge a little too far), so this is what I did:

This is the reaction I got from my daughter:

 
And this is the reaction I got from my son:

 
Wish me luck!  It’s going to be a long week.

Finding my Namaste

I love to practice yoga.  In fact, I NEED to practice yoga.  It feels so good to stretch my body and concentrate on nothing more than my breath for ninety minutes.

 I’ve been finding it difficult to practice as much as I would like since becoming a stay-at-home mom on a budget.  Yoga classes are expensive and practicing at home has always been too full of distractions.  It was tough enough to practice when there was only a cat pouncing all over my bridge pose but practicing at home with a cat and two kids?  Impossible.

Or so I thought.

During the week, my daughter and I walk my son to school and then have two and a half hours to ourselves, which is usually spent running errands.  Lately though, I’ve added yoga into our daily schedule and she loves it.  We both do. 

I have spent the last five years struggling to find my old before-kids self and wondering where it was she had gone.  I missed her.  Every day I missed her, and as much as I hate to admit it, I started to resent my role as mom because of it.

Why did I consider kids a distraction from the things I love to do before now?  It’s not their fault that I hadn’t been practicing yoga nor doing all the other things that I used to love doing before they came into my life.  I have been choosing to not take care of me and in doing so, have not been fair to myself or to my family.

Spending time practicing yoga with my daughter has done so much.  We have that special bonding time together and I get that amazing stretch and focus on breath that I need.  The cat?  Well, he’s still a distraction but he loves when it’s time for cat pose.  Obviously.    

In which she realizes a nap means more than a nap.

The kids are tucked in, the house is cleaned up and for the first time in about a month, I actually feel on top of things.  I’ve even made tomorrow’s snack already.  I feel in control of my life, my moods, my head.  Today, anyway.

This afternoon, the kids wanted to watch a movie and, as I often do, I saw it as my opportunity to snuggle in beside them and have a nap.  It wasn’t long before my husband woke from his night-shift slumber.  When he came downstairs to say good morning my four year old announced, “Mom’s resting again.  She always has to rest because she always feels sick.” 

Wow.  That stung.

I was offended at first.  My husband always snuggles in for a nap at movie time and the kids have never called him out on it.  Why were they doing it to me?

Then I thought about it from their perspective.  Sure, today I was feeling great and the nap really was just an innocent charge of the old batteries, but I haven’t been myself lately.  I’m quick to yell, I don’t play as much, and I take every day that my husband is home as an opportunity to sleep rather than a chance to spend time together as a family.

I’m glad that I found my motivation today.  I just wish there was a way to sprinkle myself with it every morning because I would sure love to feel like this more often. 

What do you do when your mental health gets the better of you?

screw the weather, spring is here

While it may not feel like the first day of spring in Hamilton with a high of 0 degrees (that, by the way, feels like a freezing cold -5), I’m determined to warm things up in the Red House.

Earlier today, I was starting to go nuts listening to the kids constantly argue with each other over nothing.  Hubby was just getting up and at ‘em so I did my usual – I tagged him in and retreated to bed.  I laid there for fifteen minutes and then reminded myself of a conversation I had with my counsellor yesterday. 

He asked me to list all the things I disliked in my life right now.  I quickly came up with this:

·         Feeling overwhelmed a lot of the time
·         Becoming less and less engaged with my children
·         Not being in control of my emotions

Then he asked me to list my core values, the things that I stand for and believe in.  Just as quickly as the first list, I came up with this:

·         My family
·         My community
·         Being a good person
·         Raising my kids to be good people

He then reminded me that I had to be careful how I think because as we think, we feel.  He also reminded me that I need to stand in the goodness of now.  I loved that.

So with that, I got out of bed, joined my family downstairs and we all made Rice Krispies Squares.  We mixed, we giggled, we ate far too many marshmallows.

I’m constantly wishing my now was better when really, I should be standing in the goodness of it.  It really is pretty good, after all.

 

 

bad day, good night

At 7:00 tonight, I was lying in bed wallowing in my worry about everything – how even though I’m trying to parent as best I can I know I’m screwing my kids up somehow, how taking time off work is affecting my career and our finances, how easily this morning’s panic attack came after reading some tragic news.  With a kitchen full of dinner dishes downstairs and kids just about ready to be put to bed, I wondered if I was going to have the energy to contribute to my household tonight. 

Then I remembered a few other things: my husband was downstairs with the kids and was probably already cleaning up the kitchen, we live just a few blocks from stairs that lead up the escarpment, I’m in control of my own life (or at least I can be on a good day).  With that, I got out of my pjs and brushed my teeth for the first time today, (I know, gross but I just can’t help it some days), kissed my kids goodnight and headed for the stairs.

And I’m so glad I did because I would have missed this view.

It’s amazing what four trips up and down a flight of 228 stairs can do for your body and mind.  It’s just so peaceful and allowed me to think of the things I did well today: I kissed my husband and my kids a bazillion times each, I did two loads of laundry, I made a delicious dinner and at the end of the day, I took care of me.  Yup, I done good.