Right Back Where We Started

If you’re a regular reader of Tales from the Red House, you know just how far we’ve come this year.  My son Rudie is a great kid.  A super kid!  With some hard work by all four members of our family this year, his behaviour at home has changed from hitting, swearing, spitting, and screaming back into the actions of the sweet, funny, smart and snuggly little guy that we knew was in there all along. 

 

Did you see the catch there?  His behaviour AT HOME has changed.  There were still issues whenever Rudie was with our daycare provider, and we were worried about what would happen once he was back in school, but we thought we were managing the day-to-day.  We were using all the things we had learned in the Incredible Years program, all the parenting tools we had put into place around the house, and all the meetings with doctors, social workers, and therapists all who had the same diagnosis of “there is no diagnosis”, and the advice that he would one day grow out of it.  But then one day last week we got a call that we did not see coming and our lives were turned upside down once again.  Our amazing and perfect-for-us daycare provider was having a really hard time with Rudie’s behaviour and would no longer be able to watch him.*  And there we were, just like that, without daycare for the third time in a year.

 

We were so sad and so worried and to be honest, it took everything we had to not be angry with Rudie. 

In just a few days, we’ve been able to sort out daycare.  It’s taken a lot of help from family to fill in the immediate gaps and an understanding workplace that is allowing me to work part-time hours to care for my kids before and after school.  That’s a huge load off our backs.  Then Rudie had his second day of Senior Kindergarten today.  While he was there, he spit on his friend’s snack, hit his teacher three times and all of a sudden, we’re here again.

We are now in the process of reopening our file with Children’s Mental Health and we have an appointment with our family doctor next week.  We’re taking all the same steps we’ve taken over the last twelve months but this time, we’re not taking no-answer for an answer.  Aggressive behaviour is one thing, but getting kicked out of three daycares is another thing entirely.  We need answers this time and we need them for our little boy.  We don’t talk specifics in front of him, but he knows exactly what’s happening.  He’s too bright not to. 

I’ll be sharing the tips, tricks and tools that have been working in our house over the next little while and will also post regular updates about our progress on this, our second lap.  In the meantime, I’m sending Rudie to school tomorrow with these in his backpack.  Laminated reminders of the family that love him every day.

 

*Our amazing and perfect-for-us daycare provider is still amazing and perfect-for-us but Rudie is a tough kid to provide care for, especially when you’re defending your own kids against his violent behaviour.



The Incredible Years Program Part 2: Praise the Sh*t Out of Your Kid

Before I get into this section of the Incredible Years Program, let me just say something about praise.  I’ve read endless parenting books – some are in support of praise, others not so much.  The main argument against it suggests that it creates praise junkies meaning that the more praise children receive, the more they rely on adult evaluations instead of forming their own judgments.  Other theories suggest that praise manipulates children, casts judgment on them and decreases their pleasure.    

That being said, I am a huge supporter of praise.  This is where my husband and I found we were most falling behind and also where we saw the most improved behaviour.  It is also important to note that some parents state that they don’t praise their children but rather, they encourage them.  I say whatever.  We’re all talking about the same thing here, so use whatever verb you want.  I’m calling it praise, even if it’s not the most popular word in parenting circles right now.

Here are some suggestions for praising your kid:

·       Catch your child being good – don’t save praise for perfect behaviour.  This was a HUGE light bulb moment for my husband and me.  We realized we were waiting for full days of no hitting, kicking, scratching and swearing before we would offer any praise.  Instead, we started praising every 15 minutes of good behaviour.  It was A LOT of praise and definitely seemed like overkill but our son loved it and really responded well to knowing that we were paying attention all the time. 

·       Choose one behaviour you would like to see your child engage in more frequently, and systematically praise it every time it occurs for a week.  For example: playing quietly, going to bed when requested, picking up toys and sharing with others.  The idea here is rather than point out (and in doing so, reward with attention) every time they don’t do something, praise them every time they do.   Once you’re seeing the behaviours you want to see more often, you can ease up on that specific praise and move onto praising other behaviours you would like to see.

·       Give labeled and specific praise. Rather than generic “good boy” or “good girl” sentiments, which are vague and generic, make sure to tell your child exactly what it is you’re praising.  When we started focusing on praise, my husband and I were constantly saying "wow, you're playing so nicely together", "I like the way you're using your words" and "you really know your manners". 

The program also suggests a tangible rewards system with charts, stars and stickers for desired behaviours.  After a week, the stars and stickers can be traded in for toys, screen time or other sought after items.  We chose not to go this route.  Our praise naturally comes with social rewards such as hugs, smiles, eye contact and enthusiasm so we decided to leave it at that.  I’m against giving our kids an allowance based on the household chores they complete each week.  I think that rather than pay kids to help out around the house, they should be contributing simply as members of the family.  We felt the same way about good behaviour – it’s just expected in our family and not something that we’re paid to do.

Try this out in a way that works for your family.  Just remember to be specific and to praise often!  Good luck and be sure to let me know how it goes.

 

Television-Smellevision (Who needs it?)

Well, we survived our first 24 hours without the TV.  In fact, we had an amazing day!  Here are some of the things I have learned already:

1.       The kids really don’t care about the TV after all.  First thing this morning my daughter asked if she could watch a show and my son led her into the living room to show her the sheet over the television and reminded her of the challenge.  They then moved on to the playroom to get out some toys instead.

2.       Putting a sheet over the television was a genius idea, if I do say so myself.  I didn’t have to remind the kids of our no-TV challenge a zillion times – they looked at the TV, saw the sheet and knew that they weren’t going to watch it.

3.       The television doesn’t actually have to be on for the kids to be entertained by themselves.  I had a lovely long shower this morning while the kids played with Play-Doh and snacked on orange slices.  Who knew that was possible?!

4.       There are lots of quiet things to do other than watching TV in lieu of nap time.  For instance, just as our fun day was turning into a mid-afternoon of arguing, whining and crying (exactly the moment when I would normally reach for the remote control), the kids and I sat around the patio set, crunched on our apples and enjoyed a riveting game of I Spy with My Little Eye.

5.       I actually had a lot more time to myself when I was engaging with the kids all day, if that makes any sense at all.  My focus was on them, (which they loved), but I could also do this:

And in so doing, I made this:
(Thanks to this tutorial I found on Pinterest.)

All in all, a lovely day.  Tomorrow is a brand new one – here’s hoping it’s just as productively wonderful.

the day i took the tv away

CONFESSION: My children watch too much television.

It’s not like they’re a couple of little robots sitting in front of it all day or anything, but they'll usually watch a show or two first thing in the morning, a movie in the afternoon and another movie or another couple of shows before bed. 

We’ve been using the TV as a means to keep the kids quiet while we get things done around the house, a way for them to cool down in the afternoon in lieu of taking a nap and, if I’m being completely honest here, it’s also been a case of lazy parenting.  It’s just easy to put on a movie and let it keep them entertained for a little while.

A couple of movies and a show didn’t seem too terrible at first thought.  When I stopped to think about it a little more though, it dawned on me that it was 3.5-4 hours of television every day.  Over 24 hours of TV a week!  It has to stop so I’ve just introduced my family to the NO TV CHALLENGE.  That’s right, I’ve taken it away for one week.  Not too much time, but enough to hopefully make a huge impact on our family.

My husband refused to help me physically remove it from the wall (he said that was taking the challenge a little too far), so this is what I did:

This is the reaction I got from my daughter:

 
And this is the reaction I got from my son:

 
Wish me luck!  It’s going to be a long week.

The Incredible Years Program Part 1: Play With Your Child

 The Incredible Years puts play at the foundation of their parenting pyramid.

I know, I know.  You already play with your kid, right?  That’s what I thought too, and then I started being mindful of HOW I was playing with mine.  I quickly realized that I was the one leading the play, I was always within arm’s reach of my phone, and I was playing just long enough to get my kids occupied so I could sneak away to load the dishwasher or get started on dinner.  I wondered why my kids were still so desperate for my attention (positive or negative) when I was spending so much time with them.

The Incredible Years program recommends playing with your kids for just 10-15 minutes every day.  If the kids are in school and both parents are working outside of the home, there really isn’t much more time available after homework, dinner, bath and bed-time routines are done.  If you have more time to spare, your kids will love it.  If not, don’t sweat it – a dedicated 10-15 minutes (per kid, if possible), is all you need to make a difference.

Here are a few tips to make your play time most effective:

1.  Put down your phone, turn the TV off and give your child 100% of your attention.
2. Let them lead the play, even if it makes no sense or goes against what you think they should do. They might want to start colouring before they’ve finished a puzzle – that’s okay! Just do whatever they want to do during your play-time.
3. Don’t play a competitive game, especially with a younger child. It’s better to play with unstructured toys such as dolls, trucks or blocks.

There were three sessions dedicated to play.  (THREE!  That’s SIX HOURS of class time!)  The most important thing I learned during this section of the program was the concept of descriptive commenting.  This is talking like a sportscaster while you’re playing.  It might sound like, "You're colouring the car red" or "You're putting the doll in her bed."  Sounds crazy, but I always asked questions ("What colour is the car?" or "Where is the doll going?") when playing with the kids because I thought that was what I was supposed to do and that I was “teaching them” but apparently, when you ask too many questions, they feel like they're performing rather than playing and it takes all the fun out of it for them.  Once I stopped asking and started describing, my kids were way more engaged.  Believe it or not, just making these changes and being mindful in how and when I played with my kids, made a huge difference in their behaviour.

Try taking these steps with your kids this week and let me know how it goes in the comments below.  Just remember to have fun and let them lead the way!  This will build their self-confidence and they will absolutely love this dedicated time with you.  Now, if you’ll please excuse me, it’s time to be a Brachiosaurus mommy searching for yummy trees with her babies!

The Incredible Years Indeed

When hubby and I decided to start a family we were pretty sure we already knew all there was to know about raising a child.  We could feed it, snuggle it, change its poopy diapers – that’s all there was to it, right?  Piece of cake!

 

Pan to a few years later when we’re practically pulling our hair out because our 4-year old is hitting, spitting, swearing, growling and being kicked out of daycare (twice!).  Our son was clearly going through something and we didn’t know how to help him.  That was seven months ago.  That was when I left work and we looked into getting some real help. 

After what seemed like constant appointments with different pediatricians and psychologists to confirm that there was actually no diagnosis to be made, we were pointed in the direction of a 12-week parenting program called The Incredible Years.  It seemed as though, despite what we were hearing from past daycare providers,  there was actually nothing wrong with our son (thankfully!) and in fact, the problem was with how we were parenting him.  We clearly needed to brush up on our skills so we breathed deeply, checked our egos and committed to the 12-weeks.

The Incredible Years is a free program offered through the City of Hamilton’s Public Health department.  I don’t think I have ever been more grateful to live in a city with such amazing resources at our fingertips.  The change we have seen in our son’s behaviour is astounding and all because we have committed to slight changes in our parenting habits.  There were six families taking part in the program and all of us have seen amazing results in our kids.  I’m sure that isn’t a coincidence.

 

I encourage you to check out the resources offered where you live and sign up for the program yourself.  If you prefer the quick and dirty version instead, fear not – I will share it here every Thursday.  Parenting is a hard gig; I think we could all use a little refresher now and then.