Control, Control, Control

What I’m about to say will definitely not come as a surprise to those close to me: I have control issues. 

I need to know what everyone is doing at all times and things need to be a certain way or I feel out of sorts.  I am always the driver, (unless I’ve had a drink or two), and, if I do find myself in the passenger seat, I’m always quick to point out if someone is going “the wrong way”, even when it’s simply a different way to get to the same destination.  It’s not something I’m proud of.

These control issues have really been slapping me in the face lately.  Sometimes, it’s funny.  Like, when I sat down for a pee at work and found myself OBSESSING over the way the toilet paper was placed on the roll.

It was like this:

 

When clearly, it should have been like this:

 

That’s right, I changed it.  I WASN’T IN MY OWN OFFICE!!  I was likely never going to use that toilet again, but I couldn’t bear to know that the toilet paper would remain on the roll THE WRONG WAY.

Other times, my realization that I need to be in control saddens me.  My husband doesn’t usually go out after work or on the weekends unless we have plans together.  Sometimes he does though, and if he were to call to say he was staying out later, the conversation would likely go something like this:

Me:        Hello?
Him:       Hey Champ, we've decided to go for wings after the movie so I’ll be home a bit later.
Me:        Okay….so, I’m putting the kids to bed by myself then?!
Him:       Is that alright?
Me:        (Big passive-aggressive sigh) Whatever, it’s fine. (Although clearly, it's not),
Him:       Are the kids not being good?  Do you want me to come home?
Me:        Forget it.  Don’t worry about it.  I’m fine.  (Again, I’m clearly not fine.)

My husband thankfully has a backbone and will stay out to enjoy some time out with his friends despite our conversation, as he should.  I respect him for that.  He likely feels guilty the whole time he’s out, though and I despise myself for that.

Especially when the tables are turned. 

I met an old high school friend for coffee last week and returned home eight hours later.  I called about four hours in to let my husband know that I would be later than expected.  The conversation went something like this:

Him:       Hello?
Me:        Hey!  We totally lost track of time and are starving so we’re about to go for dinner. 
Him:       Okay, take your time.  Are you having fun?
Me:        Yeah, we’re having a great time!  Are the kids okay?
Him:       They’re awesome, like always.  See you when you get home.  I love you.

Just like the toilet paper incident, this conversation was a wake-up call.  My husband supports my time out of the house and I make him feel bad about his.  I need to stop this behavior.

Like most things in life, I think a huge step is being aware of the behavior to begin with.  I’m sure marital interactions like this are not uncommon but are probably denied a lot of the time.  I’m happy that I can see it; I now just have to change it.  I owe it to my husband now and to my kids as they get older. 

I make no promises about the toilet paper, though.  Hanging it under is simply incorrect.